The other day,
I mentioned training littles to sit still in church.
Holly asked, in the comments, if we practice sitting still in church during our weeks. We do, not every day, but as often as I remember to work it into our schedule, we do. Why? In addition to church, having littles who are able to sit still, or at least relatively still, comes in handy in many places, like the dinner table- at home or away, in a waiting room, even the checkout line at the grocery store or Target.
Let me be up front- I am no expert trainer, I'm an ordinary Mom. My children are not expert still-sitters, they're ordinary children, who can wiggle and squirm with the best of them, or maybe the worst of them. I have sought out a lot of advice have been working extra with my two youngest lately and wanted to share some of what I've found to work and perhaps a little insight into why.
A few years back, I read a recommendation about training children to sit still in church. This is just about the Ultimate Sitting Still Challenge, because it's usually a longer amount of time than most dinner situations and children are expected to be much quieter and not doing things like, well, eating. I didn't like the idea of having 2 and 3 yr olds in the nursery week after week when I knew it was not only preferable, but possible, to have them sitting in the service with the family. I read the advice with hopeful and eager anticipation.
The advice I read long ago entailed setting a specified time, like the time your normal church service is at, and lining up the kids on the couch to sit, listening to a recorded sermon or maybe an audio Bible, or even to Mom or Dad reading, rather dryly, from the Bible. Yes, this advice said to read dryly, boring even. The idea was that this was not entertainment time, this was a time to train children to sit still in spite of the fact that they were not being entertained.
We do this, to a degree. Right now I'm working with my 15 month old, just trying to get a good 15 minutes of quiet and sitting still. He's still not convinced it's a good idea, but he is learning that it doesn't matter, it's Mom's idea, and therefore he needs to go along with it.
In our house these days, training to sit still happens on a more ongoing basis than just "couch church" times. Whenever the 1 yr old or the 3 yr old spend any time on my lap there is another opportunity to train, and this is the area I've been focusing more on lately.
It seems whenever I sit down, that one or the other of them wants up. Once up, they tend to wiggle and squirm, reaching for my book or my pen or worse, my coffee. When I make it clear that they are not to touch but they are to sit still, they will almost always decide they'd rather be down, pursuing their own will, out of my reach. This is the moment to train. Once the squirming has begun, the training kicks into high gear.
With the 3 yr old, this is a bit easier. She understands more. I tell her, "Nope, you can't get down. You wanted up, and now you're going to sit nice for Mom until I say you can get down." She may slump back with a sigh, but she stops squirming and knows she needs to wait quietly, usually for 2 or 3 minutes, sometimes longer, at which time I let her down, on my terms. I don't always remember to do this, but as I know that consistency is key when it comes to training, I am trying more and more to remember to work on this and am seeing some real results.
This isn't even really about sitting still, this is about obeying Mom. Realizing this has been the key for me. It's good for a child to learn to sit still, but it's way more important for that child to learn to obey Mom, right away, and all the way.
With the youngest, little Chipper, currently 15 months, things are a little more challenging. Okay, a lot more challenging. This obedience thing is still new to him. When he gets up on my lap, he starts squirming right away. He's quite the active little bugger. He likes to reach for things on my desk, or things on the arm of the couch, or things in my hands, depending on where I'm sitting and what I'm doing. Anything will do, he's a toddler, though the shinier the better. I tell him "No, don't touch". He's heard "No" enough to know that something is going on at that point. He usually pauses a moment, and if he pulls his hand back I will give him an encouraging "Good job, you obeyed Mommy!". If, after pausing, he turns back to what he was reaching for, determined to get his chubby little fingers on it no matter what I may have to say about it, then I will swat his hand, not hard, but firmly enough to let him know that I mean business. Sometimes once does the job, sometimes we go back and forth a few times, and at some point he will try to slither away.
This is where the sitting still training comes back into play. I will hold him in place on my lap. When he arches his back in protest, I will out-muscle him and 'bend' him back into sitting position, while telling him "No, you need to sit still". He'll arch, maybe attempting to kick a bit as well, and I'll hold him up, not letting him get away. This make take a minute, it may take 10, it may even take 20 or 30*. At some point he will give in, he will stop fighting. He usually sits and cries a little bit of a pity-me cry, wallowing a bit in defeat. I will usually pull him a bit closer, giving him a little reassuring cuddle, and tell him "Good job sitting still" (assuming he's actually sitting still in my lap at this point) and attempt to shush the crying. After he's been still for a minute or two (I'll increase the time increments as he gets better at complying), I'll look around for something he might be interested in and may say something like "Are you ready to get down? Should we go build with some blocks?" and I'll set him down and we'll go on with our day, having another training session under our proverbial belts.
Our almost 5 and just turned 7 yr olds were pretty content lap-sitters and I don't remember working quite as hard with those two, or maybe I just look back with my rose-colored glasses and only remember the good times. With the oldest three, I was just learning these very new to me concepts of actually training children to be happy and obedient (yes, obedient children are generally happier children!) and I was just happy that they weren't hitting and kicking each other, or me.
*Please understand that if you get frustrated to the point of anger, it's time for the training to be over, time to switch gears and find something else to do, preferably something enjoyable to play. Yes, in this case, your child will have won that battle, and yes, this means the next battle will be that much harder, but I'd rather see Mommies and children enjoying each other than angry with each other any day. Anger is so destructive in a parent-child relationship, I know, I've been the angry Mom more times than I would ever care to admit. When a child in training decides to make a fight out of it, try to remember not to take it personally- it's not about you. For the child, it's all about me (himself/herself). They want what they want when they want it and they would fight against anyone who stands in their way. When you're the training Mother, that anyone is you. Stay calm, smile if you can, and say "No".
In the past, I started working on training for sitting for longer periods of time, specifically for the purpose of keeping our children with us throughout church services, at about 12 months old. I may be growing soft, in my old age (hehe), as I have been a little slower with the last two. Chipper is 15 months and I am just now really working with him more seriously, and Twinkler, though she has mostly learned to be quiet, still wiggles a bit more (way more!) than I'd like. She's in remedial training these days... The more consistent I can be at home, the sooner these two will gain that self-control that they will need to be the happy and obedient children we know they can be!
Labels: Child Training
