The Due Date That Wasn’t

Yesterday would’ve been my due date.

I’ve had time to grieve and I’ve had time to heal.  I did grieve and I did heal, God is so good that way, well, He’s good in every way, but you know what I mean.  The thing with healing from loss, at least for me, is that it doesn’t happen all at once.  It’s a process.  Some days are better than others.

It was my third miscarriage, so I was no stranger to the pain, the grief, the sadness, and the gut-wrenching heartache, but I was also no stranger to the incredible grace from above.  I knew there was (and is!) comfort just in turning to Him in a time when there is nowhere else to turn, a time of utter helplessness when there is nothing anyone can do, nothing anyone can say, to “make it better”.

Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.
Psalm 27:14

Life in a large family is incredibly full and busy, there is not a lot of time for quiet moments, but they do come now and then, and sometimes in those moments I would remember and think things like “I would’ve been this many weeks along…”  I would have a moment of grief, feel the wave of sadness, relax, and ride the wave to the other side, and go on with my day.  I knew I was ok, and yet I knew it was ok to feel sad.  Feeling sad didn’t negate my hope and trust in His caring, His grace, His healing touch.  Feeling the sadness made the touch of His healing hand so much more real, so much more necessary.  So I let myself feel it, and I let myself move on.

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
Psalm 42:11

The LORD is my strength and my shield: my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
Psalm 28:7

Yesterday’s bit of emotional cloud (it wasn’t bad, but I do admit to a few wistful moments) did have a silver lining- I’ve had a little secret for a few days… a positive test.

I do admit to some feelings of anxiety, with my most recent miscarriage still fresh on my mind (yes, I know it was months ago, but getting on with life doesn’t mean just getting over it, a miscarriage isn’t something you “just get over”, it takes time, sometimes lots of time, and that’s ok), it’s hard not to keep reminding myself, “anything could happen”, “there are no guarantees”, etc… but this is just one more time to cast all my cares upon Him, for He careth for me…

Related posts:

1. A Sad Weekend
2. What’s So Ordinary?
3. B is for Believe
4. The Quick Bullet List Kind of Post
5. Sunday Hymn, O Happy Day!