He Is Faithful

“HE is faithful, even when we simply do not understand!”
part of a comment, left by bonny, on my last post…

Such truth.

He IS faithful, always has been, always will be.

It’s just true.

It’s one of those things about Him, one of those true, good, perfect, and unchanging things about Him that make up the foundation for the how and why we can believe, and trust, and know.

He is faithful.

If He said He loves us, then He does, He really does, love us, for He is faithful to His Words, faithful to His promises.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
John 3:16 KJV

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8 KJV

He is faithful, and He is good, and He does care- all the time, no matter what our circumstances are…

And this, this truth, knowing this truth,

this is what sustains,

this is what holds me up as I start to crumble,

as I start to breathe fast with panic, as I start to fear the unknown, as I start to worry over what is known, as I collapse in exhaustion and exasperation, and cry out “Why is all of this happening?!”, “How do we DO this?!”, and “Oh, God, PLEASE make it stop!”

And when I stop fighting and grasping for answers that aren’t there, that’s when I can hear the still small voice. That’s when I can feel the peace that passes understanding. That’s when I realize that the storm that is raging all around me cannot overtake me as long as my feet are planted where they should be, on the only truly safe place, on the Rock that cannot be moved.

I stand still, and I’m ok, because He is faithful.

It’s not me, and that’s a good thing, because in and of myself I’m no stronger than the next woman, the next mother. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I’m a lot weaker than them, and that’s ok, because it’s my weakness that drives me back to my Savior, again and again.

And He is there,

and I can trust Him,

because He is faithful…

—

Ian has had a rough time the past couple weeks, and things have been hard, and stressful, and just so hard. I know, I already mentioned hard, but every time I try to think of another adjective I hear myself saying “It’s just been so hard”…

We’re hoping to get in to meet with the pain team today. I’m hoping and praying that they have some answers, and some pain meds that work for him…

Our meeting with his oncologist went about as well as can be expected. Talk of alternative treatments isn’t their favorite thing. Of course they want us to go on with conventional treatment, they’re cancer docs, it’s what they know. Dr. S did pull up a study that answered a question I had, though the answer was not encouraging.

I’ve been wondering about the fact that his surgery was successful (despite the whole posterior fossa syndrome thing, they did successfully remove what they believe to be the entire tumor!), and the fact that there has been no sign of spread of disease (clear MRI scans and no malignant cells in his cerebral spinal fluid!), and we did treat with radiation to beat down and hopefully kill off any random cells floating around just waiting to multiply… Is the extra months and months of toxic chemotherapy really necessary?

Apparently, it is.

With low-risk medulloblastoma (successful tumor removal, no spread of disease), conventional treatment (surgery, radio chemotherapy, and maintenance chemotherapy) has a 5 yr survival rate of somewhere around 75%, so, 3 out of 4 kids still alive in 5 yrs…

With only surgery and the lower dose radiation therapy that Ian had? 5 yr survival rate of 50%.

We had hoped to be able to travel to Houston for Ian to get an alternative treatment at the famed (some would say infamous) Burzynski Clinic. Unfortunately, now that the FDA is working with Dr. Burzynski, he can only treat patients according to strict protocols and guidelines. They have several open studies going, but only 2 of them pertain to Ian’s type of cancer, and they both require that the patient still has tumor left to measure (either inoperable or grown back) and that the patient has completed, and failed, conventional treatment.

Ian doesn’t meet any of the studies’ criteria, so he cannot receive the antineoplaston therapy that has been more successful than conventional treatments with several of the worst forms of cancer, and specifically brain cancers. He doesn’t qualify, so that’s that.

It looks like we really may have to go on with the maintenance chemotherapy, dealing with the effects of the toxicity along the way.

I don’t want him to have more chemo. He doesn’t want to have more chemo.

But this is an aggressive cancer.

And “this is all just so hard…”

Pray for us?

Related posts:

1. Ready or Not, It’s Proton Therapy Time!
2. It Was a Different Kind of Sunday
3. Friday Night Update
4. I’ll Never Get Used To It
5. Hardest Birthday Ever