I Keep Starting Posts

I sit down, stare blankly, think of something to write about, come up with a title, stare blankly some more…

And then I do it again the next day, and later again that afternoon…

It’s becoming a habit.

I had wanted to post all kinds of fabulous pictures from all of our fun fall field trips, but there aren’t any pictures. We haven’t gone anywhere fun, unless you count the oncology clinic, which the younger girls might, because they always get a gold coin to put in the gumball-type-machines full of silly little things in parent-proof-fingernail-breaking plastic bubbles. Their favorites are the stick-on fake mustaches. I’m not even kidding. I’m also not really sure if my daughters all wanting mustaches is something I should be concerned about, or if I should just be happy that they’re so easy to please. Kidding. Pretty much.

I’ve read some hard parenting-in-the-storm-of-crisis stories before, and I knew the moment we heard the words “mass” and “brain” used in the same sentence that our lives would never be the same, but I don’t think there is any way we could’ve been prepared for how overwhelmingly overwhelming it all is.

Everything has changed.

It’s such a part of life, change, and I’m such a creature of habit that I don’t always do so well with change, but the more I think about change, the more I hear myself say the word out loud and in my heart & mind, the more the lines of Kathryn Scott’s “Everything Changes” just ring so true, and, well…

Change can be good.

Mercy to the brokenhearted,
Life for those who grieve,
Joy to those whose dreams are stolen,
Imprisoned souls released.

When You come everything changes;
When You speak even the darkness hides;
When You step into our frailty, Jesus,
You restore every broken life,
And everything changes.

It does, everything, it changes, and well, that most important change? That once was lost but now am found change? It makes all the difference in the world.

It’s been one of my favorite songs as of late. In fact, the album, I Belong, has been played a lot around here lately. I know, it came out in 2007, which pretty much makes it old news, but it’s recent, and current, for me.

When my heart is breaking, His mercy is there, it sustains & it carries.

He steps into my frailty, and everything changes.

— awkward lack of transition—

If I had a nickle for every time I’ve heard “I don’t know how you do it…”

I try to be quick with the truth- it’s all Him, all His grace…

Sometimes the encounter is so fast, and the words come too slow, or not at all, and afterwards I feel so convicted because the last thing I want is for someone to have the impression that I am anything resembling the word awesome. Really I want people to know that His grace truly is sufficient, and that is why and how I can manage to appear to be handling it all…

This past week was another hard one, with Ian being back in the PICU. It’s heartbreaking to see him in so much pain. It’s frustrating to hear “we don’t know why”, “you’re a mystery”, “your case is puzzling”, from doctor after doctor. It’s nerve-wracking to not know what to do next.

God is still on the throne, and He is still a God of love, and we may not understand any of the why?s lately, but we don’t have to.

We can simply trust Him, and we do.

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