Training Little Ones to Sit Still

The other day, I mentioned training littles to sit still in church. Holly asked, in the comments, if we practice sitting still in church during our weeks. We do, not every day, but as often as I remember to work it into our schedule, we do. Why? In addition to church, having littles who are able to sit still, or at least relatively still, comes in handy in many places, like the dinner table- at home or away, in a waiting room, even the checkout line at the grocery store or Target.

Let me be up front- I am no expert trainer, I'm an ordinary Mom. My children are not expert still-sitters, they're ordinary children, who can wiggle and squirm with the best of them, or maybe the worst of them. I have sought out a lot of advice have been working extra with my two youngest lately and wanted to share some of what I've found to work and perhaps a little insight into why.

A few years back, I read a recommendation about training children to sit still in church. This is just about the Ultimate Sitting Still Challenge, because it's usually a longer amount of time than most dinner situations and children are expected to be much quieter and not doing things like, well, eating. I didn't like the idea of having 2 and 3 yr olds in the nursery week after week when I knew it was not only preferable, but possible, to have them sitting in the service with the family. I read the advice with hopeful and eager anticipation.

The advice I read long ago entailed setting a specified time, like the time your normal church service is at, and lining up the kids on the couch to sit, listening to a recorded sermon or maybe an audio Bible, or even to Mom or Dad reading, rather dryly, from the Bible. Yes, this advice said to read dryly, boring even. The idea was that this was not entertainment time, this was a time to train children to sit still in spite of the fact that they were not being entertained.

We do this, to a degree. Right now I'm working with my 15 month old, just trying to get a good 15 minutes of quiet and sitting still. He's still not convinced it's a good idea, but he is learning that it doesn't matter, it's Mom's idea, and therefore he needs to go along with it.

In our house these days, training to sit still happens on a more ongoing basis than just "couch church" times. Whenever the 1 yr old or the 3 yr old spend any time on my lap there is another opportunity to train, and this is the area I've been focusing more on lately.

It seems whenever I sit down, that one or the other of them wants up. Once up, they tend to wiggle and squirm, reaching for my book or my pen or worse, my coffee. When I make it clear that they are not to touch but they are to sit still, they will almost always decide they'd rather be down, pursuing their own will, out of my reach. This is the moment to train. Once the squirming has begun, the training kicks into high gear.

With the 3 yr old, this is a bit easier. She understands more. I tell her, "Nope, you can't get down. You wanted up, and now you're going to sit nice for Mom until I say you can get down." She may slump back with a sigh, but she stops squirming and knows she needs to wait quietly, usually for 2 or 3 minutes, sometimes longer, at which time I let her down, on my terms. I don't always remember to do this, but as I know that consistency is key when it comes to training, I am trying more and more to remember to work on this and am seeing some real results.

This isn't even really about sitting still, this is about obeying Mom. Realizing this has been the key for me. It's good for a child to learn to sit still, but it's way more important for that child to learn to obey Mom, right away, and all the way.

With the youngest, little Chipper, currently 15 months, things are a little more challenging. Okay, a lot more challenging. This obedience thing is still new to him. When he gets up on my lap, he starts squirming right away. He's quite the active little bugger. He likes to reach for things on my desk, or things on the arm of the couch, or things in my hands, depending on where I'm sitting and what I'm doing. Anything will do, he's a toddler, though the shinier the better. I tell him "No, don't touch". He's heard "No" enough to know that something is going on at that point. He usually pauses a moment, and if he pulls his hand back I will give him an encouraging "Good job, you obeyed Mommy!". If, after pausing, he turns back to what he was reaching for, determined to get his chubby little fingers on it no matter what I may have to say about it, then I will swat his hand, not hard, but firmly enough to let him know that I mean business. Sometimes once does the job, sometimes we go back and forth a few times, and at some point he will try to slither away.

This is where the sitting still training comes back into play. I will hold him in place on my lap. When he arches his back in protest, I will out-muscle him and 'bend' him back into sitting position, while telling him "No, you need to sit still". He'll arch, maybe attempting to kick a bit as well, and I'll hold him up, not letting him get away. This make take a minute, it may take 10, it may even take 20 or 30*. At some point he will give in, he will stop fighting. He usually sits and cries a little bit of a pity-me cry, wallowing a bit in defeat. I will usually pull him a bit closer, giving him a little reassuring cuddle, and tell him "Good job sitting still" (assuming he's actually sitting still in my lap at this point) and attempt to shush the crying. After he's been still for a minute or two (I'll increase the time increments as he gets better at complying), I'll look around for something he might be interested in and may say something like "Are you ready to get down? Should we go build with some blocks?" and I'll set him down and we'll go on with our day, having another training session under our proverbial belts.

Our almost 5 and just turned 7 yr olds were pretty content lap-sitters and I don't remember working quite as hard with those two, or maybe I just look back with my rose-colored glasses and only remember the good times. With the oldest three, I was just learning these very new to me concepts of actually training children to be happy and obedient (yes, obedient children are generally happier children!) and I was just happy that they weren't hitting and kicking each other, or me.

*Please understand that if you get frustrated to the point of anger, it's time for the training to be over, time to switch gears and find something else to do, preferably something enjoyable to play. Yes, in this case, your child will have won that battle, and yes, this means the next battle will be that much harder, but I'd rather see Mommies and children enjoying each other than angry with each other any day. Anger is so destructive in a parent-child relationship, I know, I've been the angry Mom more times than I would ever care to admit. When a child in training decides to make a fight out of it, try to remember not to take it personally- it's not about you. For the child, it's all about me (himself/herself). They want what they want when they want it and they would fight against anyone who stands in their way. When you're the training Mother, that anyone is you. Stay calm, smile if you can, and say "No".

In the past, I started working on training for sitting for longer periods of time, specifically for the purpose of keeping our children with us throughout church services, at about 12 months old. I may be growing soft, in my old age (hehe), as I have been a little slower with the last two. Chipper is 15 months and I am just now really working with him more seriously, and Twinkler, though she has mostly learned to be quiet, still wiggles a bit more (way more!) than I'd like. She's in remedial training these days... The more consistent I can be at home, the sooner these two will gain that self-control that they will need to be the happy and obedient children we know they can be!

A Potato Head Example

I've done a lot of reading, thinking, and praying over the years about how to train my children. I've said before that I'm no expert, not by far, but that we are blessed with relatively well-behaved children. We have never had any serious parent-dissing type behavior nor any truly foul attitudes. That being said, we, like most, do always have room for improvement.

One of the (many) areas (and perhaps one of the most important) that I've been working on is the whole notion of "Say what you mean and mean what you say" or "Say it once" (depending on which book you read). It's amazing to me both how 'well, duh, of course' obvious this seems and yet how seldom I see this idea adhered to. Even more amazing to me is how inconsistent I can still be even after realizing how important, and right, this concept is, and purposing to practice it- I still see examples in our lives daily, where my children are in essence being trained to believe that Mom doesn't actually mean what she says, and that they can pretty much do as they please a bit longer, you know, until Mom really means it.

An example-

The 8, 7, 4 & 3 yr olds were all playing very nicely together with our collection of Potato Heads. The problem was, they were playing up on the dining room table, within reach of their 14, wait, 15 months old today, brother. He was crawling on the table reaching for potatoes. I'm working on teaching him not to crawl on top of the table, but I am also trying to teach the older children not to always play out of his reach, keeping all of the preschooler toys away from our youngest preschooler. I told the girls to move all of the potatoes to the floor, and instructed them that they were to let their little brother try to play along. I added that if they couldn't let him play with a piece or two then they would let him play with all of the pieces and they would be finding something else to do, something like sweeping and mopping a few floors.

I turned back to my reading (mistake #1) and a sentence or two later I noticed that they had moved to the end of the table and were huddled much closer together, sort of circling the wagons (their arms) to keep their little brother at bay. I gave them another order (mistake #2) and told them to move the potatoes to the floor and let him play with a couple. This time they did obey, partly, and without any real attitudinal huffing, puffing, sighing, or eye-rolling. They moved the toys to the floor and let their little brother go to town, then promptly decided to find something else to play with, something without the little brother. At this point, taking away the potato heads was a moot point, they had willingly handed them over, and ran off in search of something else. I let them (mistake #3).

Three strikes and Mommy's out.

First, I was distracted. I often am. I need to work on that, to really work on that. Second, I told them twice, not making sure they did the right thing after the first instruction. Third, I didn't assign any unpleasant tasks, which they should have earned with their partial compliance. I can be a softy, and while my children aren't unruly or outright disrespectful, they aren't really first-time obedient, at least not consistently, and yes, I do think that first time obedience is an achievable goal, but it's a goal that takes work to achieve. With 7 children, I've got my work cut out for me, every day.

What I should have done- I should have watched them as soon as my first command left my lips, for immediate and right-hearted compliance. When it didn't come, I should have walked right over and taken the potatoes away and assigned each girl a room to sweep & mop (not because disobedience = housework around here, but because that is the consequence I happened to blurt out when I first told them to include their little brother in their play). Then, I should have made sure that the floors got cleaned. If I said it, I should have meant it.

I'm working on it :-)

I'm working on them.

More than that, I'm working on me. Notice the work involved here? I'm learning (again, I find myself relearning anew with each toddler) that child training is 3/4ths parent training, maybe more...

Spilled Oats, When the Meat Won't Fry, and a Little Baby Boot Camp

Things I learned today:

-Ground beef fries better when the burner is actually ON. (I'm blaming this one on yesterday's migraine leaving me a bit muddleheaded...)

-One can improvise a meal if one has some meat & potatoes to start with. (I'm blaming this one on lack of planning this week. Time to write out my menu and grocery list...)

-An entire canister of oats covers a large percentage of our kitchen floor. (I'm blaming this one on an impatient 4 yr old who learned why it's important to wait for Mom...)

-Laundry doesn't fold itself, and children don't always fold it without being asked. (This one is due to my slacking off when it come to getting daily lists printed...)

-1 yr olds do not always come when called. (This one is due to lack of training, which is being stepped up this week, due to the whole not coming when called thing, but rather not even acknowledging Mom & Dad's voice(s) and sometimes going so far as turning to run the other direction. Time for that to stop...)

-My children were not born knowing how to clean their rooms. (This could be genetic, as neither my husband nor myself came by it naturally, and might even struggle to this day to set a good example on this one...)

Okay, I pretty much knew all of these things before today, well, except for the oatmeal thing, but I probably could've guessed on that one and still passed the test.

Now is as good a time as any to work on training our toddler, and it wouldn't hurt to include our 3 & 4 yr olds for some reinforcement. Reinforcement helps form good habits, in our children, as well as in ourselves.

Here's an idea of how this looks in our house:

I will usually wait until after the majority of our homeschooling is done for the day, this way if any battles of the will happen, and they usually do, they won't interfere with anything too important, except maybe getting supper on the table, but hopefully it won't come to that.

When the children are all engaged in play of some sort I will call one of them to me. Starting with an older one reminds them that yes, they do still need to come when Mom calls, and it sets an example for younger children to follow. Our children have been taught to not only come when called, but to answer/acknowledge with a "Yes, Ma'am?" or "Yes, Mom?", preferably including some eye contact. They need to come near, not just look up from across the room and grunt "Yeah?" or worse, the disrespectful "What?". Once the beckoned child has come close and responded respectfully, they will be given a small task, "Would you bring that doll back to your room?", or "Please put that book on the floor back where it belongs.", or "Would you go get your baby brother out of the bathroom again?". They are then supposed to return to Mom, or Dad, to see if we have another task to give, or to simply receive a "Thank you!" and maybe even a big squeeze or a little tickle, and then they are free to go back to their play.

I will then move onto one of the younger children, and repeat the process. Everyone 4 and older has been through this several times for several years, and knows the routine enough to quickly comply. In the 4-8 yr old range it's still played out almost like a game. Our current 10 yr old will respectfully comply because he's such a good-natured kid and knows how important, good, and right, it is to set a good example for his younger siblings. Our teenager isn't expected to jump up and come right over, but he is expected to look up from what he is reading (he's almost always reading!), make eye contact, respectfully ask "Yes, Ma'am?" and do what he's asked to do, though he is rarely asked to do things like bring dolls to his room, because, well, yeah, the dolls often found strewn around the house aren't his. With him it's more often "Have you finished your Algebra?" or "Would you please throw away your apple core?".

Our Little Mercy, who just turned 3, will usually come when called now, though we are definitely still working on getting her to do so with a good attitude. She often will make it abundantly clear that she would really rather be doing just about anything right at that moment than practicing obedience to Mom or Dad. This is a very natural expression of her self-centeredness, which is a real problem for every one of us, it's just that at 3 yrs old, she hasn't learned to suck it up and mask her disappointment for the sake of doing right. When she sulks, or worse, whines or cries, she will definitely be given more than one task. If, after 2 or 3 tasks, her attitude isn't any better, or has gotten progressively worse, she will receive a short and sweet reprimand as a last chance to straighten up, and if that fails, she'll be put down for a nap, no matter what time it is. She probably won't sleep, but she needs to be isolated for at least a little while to learn some cause and effect- throw a fit and rebel against Mom or Dad = negative consequence. If she does decide to straighten up and complete a task without a fussy bad attitude, she'll be given at least one more task, for good measure. This is where staying pleasant and not letting frustration show really counts. No toddler or preschooler is going to decide to happily obey a crabby parent who is obviously displeased.

With the 1 yr old, while always working on things like "No", and "Don't touch", we're just now starting work on "Come" (and I admit, we may be a bit late in this game, it would've been better to start as soon as he was mobile). He's really not interested. He'd rather do what he'd rather do, plain and simple. While there are times when he's trailing at my feet throughout the day, wanting to be picked up and held while I'm cooking or doing other things requiring two hands, the times when he's contentedly playing are not the times he's interested in coming to Mommy. In fact, at those times, he'd rather not come to Mommy, which makes for perfect training opportunities, as the idea is to train him to conform his will to Mom's or Dad's (an example of a christian conforming his or her will to the will of our Heavenly Father).

I'll call his name, adding a sweet toned "Come here." He may or may not glance my way. I'll call his name again. If he doesn't glance my way, I'll go right over to him, repeat "Come here" and begin to lead him to the spot where I first called him. I go after the 2nd time, because if I keep calling his name and he keeps ignoring me, all I'm doing is training him to ignore the sound of my voice, training him to not respond to me. That can get frustrating, and the goal of training is to avoid the frustration that causes so many issues between parent and child, and frankly is the reason so many parents end up resorting to yelling, or worse. Frustration leads to anger, and it's very hard not to be angry with a child who continues to rebel and disrespect and disobey. Being proactive, and getting up off of one's rear to train (teach) a child what is expected, helps avoid soooo much frustration and makes for both happier parents and happier children. Training is not the same as discipline, in fact, training makes most discipline unnecessary.

Once I've gotten him to the spot that I had called him to, I'll give him some smiley "Good job!", "You came to Mommy!", and various praises for a job well done. If he pulls away and starts fussing a lot, which will happen the first several times, he'll get a firm but gentle "No fit!" and I'll keep bringing him to the spot I called him to. The "No fit" needs to be loud enough for him to hear over his fussing, but definitely not shrill, this is no time to yell or lose one's cool. We don't want to train our children to only obey when we raise our voices, the idea is to train them for 1st time obedience, not to obey the 3rd or 4th or 7th time because the sound of our voice tells them they're about to get it. It's a pretty rare parent who isn't irritated by the 7th ignored request, again, the idea with training is to avoid the irritation, and to raise happy, helpful, obedient children.

Our youngest is 13 months, a newbie 1 yr old, and he's just starting out with his more 'formal' training, hehe, baby boot camp, if you will. It's light-hearted and easy-going right now, with some quick little "No"s when necessary. When he is a bit older, and I am sure that he knows what is expected, if he still resists, then it will be time for some little reinforcement swats. For now though, it's all about training and not discipline- there will be plenty of time for that... though, if we stay diligent with some early training, the ongoing discipline as he ages should be much less, and our parent child relationship much better.

Our children are not perfect. We are not perfect parents, in fact, it seems we are so very far from that most days. Our children are, however, better than average, if average is what is represented most every time we go to Walmart or Target. Our 2 and unders may cry now and then when tired, hungry, and out for too long, but our 4 and ups would never give us the kind of grief we see children giving their exasperated parents most every time we get to town. Now that I've said that, hopefully no one will act up on me the next time we go shopping, but if it were to happen, it would be a very rare thing, probably not to be repeated. Our children usually look up at me with a look of slight horror that says something like "Did you see what that kid just did?!" whenever we witness a tantrum on display in public, and I usually look back at them with a "Oh, my, aren't you glad that isn't you?!"

Ok, enough for now, time for another round with our youngest troops, then time for supper, some stories, some baths, some bedtimes, and then some quiet time for Mom so I can rest up and do it all again tomorrow!

PS- One of my favorite parenting and child training sites is Raising Godly Tomatoes, if you're earnestly looking for Godly advice on raising happy and obedient children, take some time to read on the site or to order the book. I don't think you'll regret it.